I know all you really want to know is "What characterises this animated adventure?" Well, turning once more to the cardboard sleeve; "Non-stop action and high-tech space weaponry"! That's what!
Against a backdrop of colourful swirls and a soundtrack of sci-fi sirens and bleeps, the narrator explains the origins of the universe. "It was born several hundred-billion years ago... by the explosion of a substance with unlimited mass!" Nothing like a science lecture to hook the under-sevens into your story. He goes on to explain how the universe continues to expand and grow - even now - to make the following story seem plausible. It is, of course, insensitive and unbalanced of our narrator to have only addressed one theory on the birth of the universe. For the SuperBook lovers amongst you I give an alternate explanation. God did it. He did all of it. And then lied about dinosaurs just to test you.
The narrator finishes up by explaining that the "Mother Source" of the universe never actually disappeared. It still exists, hidden somewhere in the centre of the galaxy...
...and on Earth Dr Cosmo has found it! He tells his old chum Dr Gilmore but he's not interested. He is retired after all. But Dr Cosmo is too excited to keep quiet, explaining that this tremendous discovery could be harnessed for the good of mankind to be used as a limitless power source! He gives his new discovery a fittingly exciting name. He calls it... "The Vortex"... Isn't that a brand of bathroom bleach?
Suddenly, little baby 001 levitates above their heads warning of a "Strange Enemy" approaching Earth. I was expecting an update on what activities my mother is up to in hell! Still, am I the only one who finds a one year old baby talking with an emotionless female voice creepy? This strange enemy is "... a devil named Zoa!". And, as if to prove the toddler's claims, the scientists instantly receive a transmission from the photo developing room of Space Defence Command warning of a large object heading our way. It must be Zoa, right?
On the strength of a baby's premonition and a weather report Gilmore is urged to reunite his 'Galaxy Legion' Cyborgs again. Considering he is giving this serious thought on such limited intel I'm surprised the team have managed to spend this much time apart.
So what have the guys been up to since they've gone off-line, so-to-speak? A quick slide show has 002 as a Pro-Bull Fighter, 003 is in the castle-ballet business, 004 skis, 005 - the native indian - is now a cowboy, 006 (not doing as well as the others) seems to be slaughtering pigs, 007 is a Chippendale, 008 is a Beniton model and 009 is back as racing driver. Can Dr Gilmore convince them to return to a life of action and danger?
But just then things start to ge- hey, wait a minute! Bull Fighter?! All the others went back to what they did originally or something related to their homeland, at least (in 008's case). What part of ex-New York Hoodlum or 'possesses flying ability' leads to 'Bull Fighter'? What New Yorker dreams of becoming a Bull Fighter? Rudy Giuliani would be spinning in his [presidential candidacy] grave.
Any way... but just then things start to freak out. A guy gets splashed in the face by his beer! A clock turns backwards!! Some woman's hair stands on end!!! With all this crazy stuff going down, and with the ominous glowing in the sky, the nine cyborgs can't refuse to help out.
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They meet up to investigate the strange object that fell from the whacked-out-glow. Before they can realise it's a spaceship there is a - in 006's racially dubious words - "vely blight light" and a non-hostile alien lifeform appears. Sadly it is not Alf, but Saba from planet gabada. He explains the plot: an evil space-emperor called Zoa has also discovered The Vortex(TM) and plans to use it for evil; unlimited evil! Saba keeps, unsubtly complementing the planet Earth calling our civilisation "advanced" and civilised. He could be laying it on too thick when he claims that he feels our homes are like "brother planets" but that, and the sob story about evil Emperor Zoa laying waste to his planet, killing his mother and kidnapping papa Saba seem to help his cause. The Cyborgs agree to assist. It seems that their mechanical enhancements didn't override their human ability to be suckered in by a sorrowful tale, leaving them vulnerable to strangers baring tales of harsh (almost rapper standard) childhoods or their intergalactic telethon appeals.
"We can never tell just when Earth will be invaded by Zoa!" warns Dr Gilmore. A second later a message comes through from Earth Defence Command warning that Zoa is invading Earth. Then the lights go out and 001 issues a blood chilling statement... the enemy is in the room!
The lights come on and Goro, the commander of Zoa's military, towers over our heroes, remotely at least as this is a 3D projection. He delivers the usual stern warning that his army is more than a match for the galactic Legion and there is nothing they can do to stop their plans etc etc. Then he laughs manically and vanishes.
That evening, at a dramatically lit beach, Joe meets Francis in hopes of encouraging her to stay out of the action ('cause, y'know, she's, like, a lady). He's not forthcoming with his feelings at first prompting this snappy exchange:
Francis "A penny for your thoughts."
Joe: "Francis, can't you guess?"
Francis: "You know I can't. I don't have 001's gift of telepathy, I just have the power to hear distant sounds or to detect the existence of things."
But while they are out someone breaks into the lab and steals 001 and Dr Cosmo. This is the final straw, and Joe agrees to help Saba stop/destroy Zoa and his army and rescue his father. Using the alien child's spaceship the Galaxy Legion set a course for planet Gadats, the enemy homeworld.
A handy Star Gate is put to use to ensure our heroes reach their destination before the video runs out. Seconds after passing through this interstellar short cut the Galactic Legion come under attack from Zoa's fleet. although They were able to see off their opponents easily, by typing a meaningless series of numbers into the computer using unlabeled keys, Francis learns that the ship is rapidly loosing power. It is decided to make a run-time-bulking stop over on nearby Planet Subplot.
Fortunately Planet Subplot, ok, ok, Planet Fontarian has basically the same atmosphere as Earth (what are the chances?) so breathing won't be a problem. Landing on a Peruvian Condor carved into the ground doesn't seem like such a good idea when it begins to sink below the surface. The roof closes above, leaving them in darkness. Unsure if this is some kind of a trap or just some old spaceship hanger the team find a way out onto the planet's surface. Joe gives the order to split up and search for inhabitants/energy crystals. 006 manages to discover several giant sea monsters which attempt to eat him, not realising he is 85% metal. 008 dives in to rescue him, revealing that laser guns do work under water! 002 and 005 also try attempt to assist in fighting the giant tapeworms.
Elsewhere, group two (comprising 004 and 009 - 003 had to stay behind because she is a woman and 007 had to look after her: because she is a woman) locate an ancient Aztec-looking city and it's less than welcoming primitive inhabitants. Spears are thrown but before 004 can retaliate he vanishes - seemingly teleported. The same happens to 009 and the rest of the gang. They were relocated by Princess Tomarra the ruler of Planet Timewaste - sorry, Fontarian. She appears before the Galaxy Legion as a projection to appeal for their help freeing her from Rodaks's crystal. If she is freed the Princess will help her people rebuild their civilisation (Zoa visited many years ago and shot the place up).
The Cyborgs follow Tomarra's pet to Rodak who turns out to be a giant cyclops. A giant ROBOT cyclops so his violent death will still be suitable for this video. The battle is short and the Princess soon regains her freedom much to delight of her primitive people.
Later that evening, by the romantic glow of the sinking sun, Princess Tomarra begs 009 to stay behind and be her King. Her people need a strong leader to rebuild their planet and god knows she can't be that leader - she's only a woman. What a time for 003 to rejoin the group. Having sat out all the violence and danger she walks right in when it looks likely that Joe is gonna score behind her back. With a Princess! ... Just like a woman!
But it wouldn't have mattered since Zoa's fleet arrives to shoot up the few bits they missed all those years ago and Tomarra ends up killed (mostly off screen). Still, it wasn't a complete waste; they got the fuel they needed. And it did kill twenty minutes!
Back out in space the ship's Super-Garmin picks up a new planet. Saba explains it is Zoa's fortress planet Gadats. Zoa foolishly had it constructed right next to a neutron star which, Saba reveals, emits an electronic pulse which shows up on the enemy's radar. If the cyborgs can position their ship to move a the same speed as the star's pulse wave they can slip inside undetected.
The rescue shuttle can only seat six, and since they are retrieving two adults, Joe uses this as another excuse to keep Francis from coming along. This time she is having none of it, citing her psychic powers as a reason for inclusion. 009 finally gives in and allows her to join. With 003 replacing 002 the final lineup for Operation: Final Reel now looks like this; 009, 007, 003 & 004. Joe makes a promise to Saba to bring back his father, and then the team depart.
To some funky disco grooves, the gang slip aboard undetected. 007 uses his shape-shifting skills to trick a guard into revealing the prisoner's location (basically, by changing into a baddie and then asking him "Where are the prisoners?"). There is a brief scuffle (even briefer in this 'kids' version) and their lost friends are found. Dr Cosmo and 001 are fine but it's a little too late for Saba Sr. By now he is so dead he can't even give one of those stuttering final messages as characters generally do in these circumstances. No, he is so dead he's probably beginning to smell. Nice work 009, maybe if you hadn't spent that 20 mins on planet Sidetrack...
Zoa finally makes his first appearance but blink and you may miss it. He gives a brief de-motivational speech then departs on a small shuttle with a 'Vortex Control Device' which he made with the contents of Dr Cosmo and Saba's Dad's brains. While escaping the fortress 004 makes the sudden decision to stay behind on a suicide mission to destroy Zoa's base. Joe tries to convince the clinically depressed cyborg to return but he refuses. He will remain and detonate a neutron bomb hidden in his body when the others are a safe distance away. There are now two spare seats on the shuttle; one less than they left with... nice work again Joe.
Commander Goro, making a brief re-appearance, shoots 004 triggering the explosion which destroys the planet. Back aboard the ship 009 has the difficult and unenviable task of explaining to the others that 004 was that explosion. But one piece of bad news is enough so he doesn't let Saba know about his dad. 009 then tells them all that he had always intended this to be a Suicide Mission; he never planned on returning to Earth. That's news to the other cyborgs but they agree with him, as does Saba though no one was asking him. With that decided the Galaxy Legion set a course for Zoa and the Vortex, a distance they can never recover.
The Cyborgs follow Zoa through a trippy looking 'Star Maze' and onto the edge of the vortex. Joe follows him in...
Moments later Joe re-materialises on the bridge of the Spaceship, but now he's sort of different - more sparkly than usual. He explains that the Vortex was a living mass of unimaginable power. It was far beyond what mere mortals could hope to control yet for a split second he was given the Vortex's power. Zoa too became as one with the Vortex but his lust for power led him to absorb way more of its energy than he could possibly control and it destroyed him.
With the power lent to him by the Vortex Joe wished to return home (maybe he even clicked his heels together) and sure enough outside the familiar blue globe of home is looming.
Once more in the golden glow of sunset, the Galaxy Legion hold a low-key funeral for their fallen comrade 004. His yellow scarf blows gently in the breeze from a wooden cross set on a cliff edge. Everyone is in attendance, Saba, Dr Gilmore, Dr Cosmo, The Cyborgs, even 004. What?! How is that possible? Well, y'see, while Joe was inside the Vortex for the brief moment that he was in control of its immense power he wished 004 back to life! At least that's how 001 puts it, although how would he know? He didn't, however, wish for Tomarro to be resurrected. Or Saba's father. Only the one of the three that wanted to be dead.
Later that evening, Joe and Francis are alone by the shore. Now that the adventure is over Joe pledges to join Francis in France. After all, what with his Grand Prix and her Ballet, they both have business there. 003 grabs this glimmer of hope with both hands and they walk of into the sunset.
But wait! Wasn't this whole mission pointless? Please, think this over with me;
The main objective of their assignment was to destroy Zoa and stop him from taking control of the Vortex. Despite the Galaxy League's involvement Zoa reached the Vortex but ultimately he was destroyed by his own greed.
Side quest: save Saba's father from Zoa's scientists. An outright failure. 009 located Dr Corbin but it was too late as he was already dead and the bad guys had all the information from him that they needed.
So, to sum up, the efforts of 009, 004, 003 et al had absolutely no effect on the outcome - save for 004 blowing up the Zoa Death Star (although faulty wiring would've probably done the job sooner or later). In reality Joe and his chums could have simply turned down the invitation to reform (like any good 80's group) and carried on with their retirement and everything would have straightened itself out.
Like Jeff Goldblum said in Jurassic Park; "Nature finds a way"... I think that works?
(Ok, ok, I am intentionally leaving out the part where, as part of his Vortex-Genie phase, 009 wished for Zoa's death and Heinrich's resurrection, but you've only got 001's word for that and he still craps in his clothes).
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